Monday, March 10, 2014

Day 06: The hardest thing I've ever experienced

There isn't just one single thing I can label as the absolute hardest thing I've ever experienced (giggity). I think the root of all of them, though, is helplessness and/or guilt.

In my 23-24 years of life, one of the worst things I've ever experienced is guilt. The knowledge that you are to blame for someone's pain or some other horrible affliction upon the world is a heavy emotional burden to live with. Often accompanying guilt is helplessness--knowing that there is nothing within your control that you can do to alleviate yourself of said guilt. In few situations, I find liberation in knowing that no matter what I do, the end will be the same no matter what. For the grand majority of the time, though, I like knowing that things are under my control, and I feel frustrated with myself when I can't (or am too lazy to) achieve the result I want. So knowing that I can't escape the crushing weight of guilt and responsibility--no matter how I try to talk my way out of it, or reason with others and myself, or gain others' sympathies--is one of the worst things I've experienced.

Helplessness in general is a pretty devastating feeling. On the painstakingly many occasions I've experienced it, I was left feeling hollow, stupid, incompetent, and/or worthless. I think my most 'traumatic' memories preserve the claustrophobic anxiety and stunned panic of helplessness the most, and I feel doomed to a lifetime of apologetic shame--for the lives that were cut short, the unreconciled relationships, the boy who couldn't love me back, the one with whom I sought vengeance, and the ones I couldn't (wouldn't) save.

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