Day 16: My 5 greatest accomplishments

• Great credit score. Actually I don't know if this is actually much of an accomplishment because it's not something I actively worked towards; it just happened. But yay!
• Learning Liszt's "La Campanella" (variations of Paganini; Etude 3). I never performed it, apart from maybe a snippet for a YouTube video I posted. But apart from a few friends (and one of their moms lol--I only remember because she called me a virtuoso pianist and I was so flattered), nobody knew I learned this. This was solely for me, and it was very gratifying--despite straining my carpal tunnel--to realize that I can do anything I put my mind to; I thought this song was legitimately impossible for me to learn. Didn't think I could ever learn a Liszt song all the way through, let alone an etude by him, because of the patience and dedication and frustration I knew it would entail...but I did it! Of course, this was in freshman year of college, and I remember none of it now...
• Picking myself up after being knocked down. Of course, this wasn't without the help of a few friends that I consider to be among my best friends today. But there was a time when I could very easily have given up hope, and it was pure stubbornness on my part that made me persevere. I had to force myself to wake up in the morning and do things with my day that I really didn't want to do, but I knew I had to because I would otherwise have continued spiraling downwards. I had to start somewhere, sometime. It was this one single accomplishment in itself that led the way to the accomplishment of many other things, including graduating from Virginia Tech with 3 bachelor's degrees, leading a fantastic a cappella group in college, falling in love for the first time, performing at the Verizon Center, dancing with a pretty awesome dance crew for really fun performances, and networking with a bunch of really wonderful people by putting myself out there in general.
• My selection of friends. I have retained some great people in my life, and I couldn't be prouder of my friends for their own accomplishments, in addition to their intellect, their personalities, their hotness (I have some pretty darn attractive friends), their morals and sound judgment (or even lack thereof--come on, they make for some pretty interesting people), their senses of humor, their emotional support, and countless other reasons why they are some of the best people I know.
• Is it sad that it was really difficult to come up with 5 great accomplishments in my life? Looking back, I don't know if I've really done anything noteworthy. :( Uhhh I won a scholarship through AASuccess (Asian-American Success) two years in a row, for $1,000 each year.

Day 06: The hardest thing I've ever experienced

There isn't just one single thing I can label as the absolute hardest thing I've ever experienced (giggity). I think the root of all of them, though, is helplessness and/or guilt.

In my 23-24 years of life, one of the worst things I've ever experienced is guilt. The knowledge that you are to blame for someone's pain or some other horrible affliction upon the world is a heavy emotional burden to live with. Often accompanying guilt is helplessness--knowing that there is nothing within your control that you can do to alleviate yourself of said guilt. In few situations, I find liberation in knowing that no matter what I do, the end will be the same no matter what. For the grand majority of the time, though, I like knowing that things are under my control, and I feel frustrated with myself when I can't (or am too lazy to) achieve the result I want. So knowing that I can't escape the crushing weight of guilt and responsibility--no matter how I try to talk my way out of it, or reason with others and myself, or gain others' sympathies--is one of the worst things I've experienced.

Helplessness in general is a pretty devastating feeling. On the painstakingly many occasions I've experienced it, I was left feeling hollow, stupid, incompetent, and/or worthless. I think my most 'traumatic' memories preserve the claustrophobic anxiety and stunned panic of helplessness the most, and I feel doomed to a lifetime of apologetic shame--for the lives that were cut short, the unreconciled relationships, the boy who couldn't love me back, the one with whom I sought vengeance, and the ones I couldn't (wouldn't) save.