Day 30: 5 Things I want to be remembered for.

• My curiosity in life. I'm that friend that will ask, "What does this do?" and then proceed to either injure herself or otherwise fuck something up because I'm curious and I want to learn things firsthand. I wish I had all the time in the world so I can learn everything there is to know about everything. Sciences, cultures, history, humanities, arts, everything.
• My artistic talents. Maybe it's a little shallow, but I hope people remember me for my voice, my piano talents, and my drawing. I am by no means professional in any of these three, nor have I had any formal training (apart from piano lessons. And an art class from my local community college, I guess). But of all the descriptors people ever use to introduce me, I hear "She's crazy artistic" or "She's a good singer" the most. Although the next descriptor that comes close is...
• My ability to eat. I am such a big glutton, and I know my body's gonna pay for it someday. But I eat like somebody four times my weight/size, and I never exercise. I'm too busy eating, after all. It is not unusual for me to have 2-3 dinners and 2-3 lunches (usually only one breakfast though). In high school, I challenged the tallest basketball player on our high school's basketball team to a chipotle burrito eating contest. He was 6'7", I'm 5'3". I ended up winning. The secret is pooping a lot. Gotta make room.
• Being a good friend. I'm not gonna be the friend that always agrees with you, and I personally am almost never biased (read: just because I'm friends with you doesn't mean I'm going to agree with you); I try to remain as objective as possible. However, no matter how much I disagree with you or how angry I am with you at the moment or how disappointed I am in you or how crazy I think you are, I will still stand by you and support you. When shit hits the fan, I will clean it up for you, because you are my friend and I care about and love you. It has nothing to do with "loyalty," which I've always thought was arbitrary; I am friends with people from absolute opposite sides of the social/political/whatever spectrum, and I am friends with people that actually hate each other. To me, it's about who I've shared my own life experiences with, and who has shared their own with me as well. I don't take sides (which some might end up saying makes me a bad friend, but I really don't like being biased/skewed in my judgments). No matter how many times you've complained to me about something, I will listen. Even if something you're doing doesn't sit well with me, why should that matter anyway? It's your life, and I respect your will to do whatever it is you want with it.
• My friendliness/affability. Yeah, sometimes when people meet me, I seem very cold and standoff-ish. I don't mean to be. I think it's just in my natural Korean bitchface, maybe, or the fact that I act casual and comfortable with everyone whether I've been friends with you for 5 years or 5 minutes (aka I don't bother with niceties and manners sometimes). But I hope people remember me for bringing them together, for being so open, for making them laugh, for asking them about how they're doing, and for being thoughtful.

Wow, done with this 30 day challenge... what next?!

Day 29: What people most misunderstand about me

By a long shot: my sense of humor.

I have a very dry, sarcastic, and satirical sense of humor. It's my fault for assuming, but I would think people in this day and age can understand satire. Satire and mocking is a big part of my sense of humor and how I get people to laugh; if you take me seriously, then you'll think me to be a much more horrible person than I already am.

People say it's hard to tell when I'm kidding, apparently. To those people, I say that I don't care, you and I probably wouldn't get along anyway because you're too fuckin' stupid.

Just kidding.

But who cares about your misunderstandings of me? In the words of Louis CK, if you have something to say to a joke I'm telling, shut up and stop being selfish. It was a joke, completely rhetorical. It's not about you! If you do have an opinion and you have something to tell me, here's what you do. You get a piece of paper and a pencil, write it down, fold it up, and on the way home, throw it away and then kill yourself.

If Louis CK or Amy Schumer has joked about it, it's most likely in my repertoire of humor, too. I'm not sorry you misinterpreted my joke so much as I am sorry that you're oversensitive and stupid.

There are other things misunderstood about me, and it mostly has to do with people believing what they hear and assuming that it's all true. I suppose it's more of a problem of their ignorance than it is of my projected image... or is that super ignorant of me to say? :)

Day 28: My love language

I completely forgot love language was a thing. I thought this was some rhetorical question like, "What speaks to you in love?" or something sappy like that. Nope. There are five different love languages. Basically, they are different modes through which people express their love and form bonds with others, and almost everybody has a strong preference of one or two over the other three or four.

Anyhow. The five are Words of Affirmation, Touch, Quality Time, Receiving Gifts, and Acts of Services. I happen to be divergent. Lolol jk. I like all of them except for Touch, apparently. DON'T TOUCH ME. Have you seen that gif of that cat that's growling and looking like a little hunched up ball of terrified mess at the same time as a hand is approaching it? That's me. But I do like words of affirmation; who doesn't like being told they're appreciated? That was my highest-scoring one. Next one down was Quality Time; I like spending time with people, even if it's not even spent doing anything productive. People with whom I can have comfortable silences are the best kinds of people. The next one down for me was Acts of Services; I know how lazy I am myself, so when I see that people go out of their way to do things for me, it makes me feel really loved. Receiving Gifts was second to last. I kind of feel uncomfortable when people give me gifts on random occasions because I'm usually the person that's like, "Oh, I didn't get you anything..." and I look like a jackass lol.

Day 27: My favorite part of my body

I like the curves that go in at my waist. My torso goes out at my ribcages (from all that singin'!), curves in around my navel's level, and then back out for my hips and thighs. Makes me feel very feminine. And I'm not a very feminine person. Of course, I also like my butt. Did a lot of squats in high school to earn it!

Day 26: A popular notion I think the world has wrong

That we are alone in the universe. How can you think that there are 15 billion lightyears' worth of space (and possibly more, if the solution to the information paradox turns out to be true and the Big Bounce is actually a thing) and tell me that there has been no other living civilization in all that time? How arrogant do you have to be to really believe that? I really hope there are other beings out there because humans kind of suck.

 We are not alone. The truth is out there. :D

Day 25: Dinner with anyone in history

I would have to say Sergei Rachmaninoff. I don't want him to come to our time, though; I want to go back to his time. Specifically, I'd like to know him right when he was starting to come out of his depression. It was then that he was starting to work on Piano Concerto No. 2--his best work in my opinion. I wanna get to know the guy who had the mindset to write that piece.

I would probably seek out some seafood. Or I could take him crabbing with me ^_^

Day 24: Family dynamic then vs now

Family dynamic was rather complicated when I was younger. My parents got divorced when I was really young, my dad doesn't like his side of the family and so kept me away from them, and my mom's side of the family was all in Korea.

Fast forward twenty years to where I am now. I respect my parents a lot more. I appreciate that they got divorced instead of staying together. After my parents' divorce, my mom and I continued visiting my dad's side of the family behind his back because they were all we knew in America. Now, I go to my cousin (also on dad's side)'s house almost every weekend--the very same cousin I used to be terrified of when I was younger. I don't know why?? I guess being the only girl in a group of grown-ass dudes made me feel really intimidated when I was younger.

In the summers, I go crabbing and bring back my catch to my cousin's house, and we all feast on it. I've been reunited with my brother (who was 20 years older than me and so left the house very long ago), and though he's in China now, wonderful technology allows us to stay connected. I've moved out of my mom's house, and absence does indeed make the heart grow fonder. I can really see how much she's done for me, and I am indebted to her. Great mother. Not always sound or sane, but who is?

Day 23: Why I love my top 3 hobbies

I have so many hobbies, though! I am a woman of many interests!

Sike. My top three hobbies (and really my only three hobbies) are smoking hookah, crabbing, and music (usually transposing popular songs into acoustic piano/guitar versions).

I love smoking hookah because it's a nice palette cleanser and, on the rare occasion, it gives me a nice, heady buzz. It's also a great social lubricant that doesn't damage my liver (just my lungs... and probably brain, from oxygen deprivation...) nor make my judgment screwy. I've met so many people at hookah lounges and developed bonds with people by just chatting by the pipes. I also have one of my own, so it's a nice way to get some one-on-one time at home with friends as well. And, of course, smoke tricks. I swear 70% of the reason I even smoke hookah in the first place is so I can perfect my smoke rings and other such tricks. But yeah, if you go out to a hookah lounge and invite me, I will say yes 80% of the time. The other 20% is a no most likely because I am already at another one.

I love crabbing because being by the water is so calming. It's hard not to feel really humbled by something as great as the sea. It also makes me feel very... primal? I mean, I think catching your own dinner is pretty cool. Lately, crabbing hasn't been too good in the Chesapeake, but hopefully this year's populations will be up. It's yet another nice way to bond with people; I almost always take at least one person with me on my crabbing trips. It's a road trip (about 1.5-2 hours' worth of driving each way), too, so there's nothing to do but listen to music and/or talk. When we get there, it's just water and sun and tanning. My cousins also love crabs, so it's nice to come back to them with a nice catch that we can all eat. Old bay, lemon juice, vinegar. Crabbing's been in my family for a very long time, so I love it for personal family reasons; it was my dad and I's primary bonding activity. Also, I'm a cancer, so there's some symbolic connection there, too. And have you HAD blue crabs?! They're called Callinectes sapidus ("savory swimmer") for a reason. So tasty. Yum. It's also pretty exciting to do in general--moreso than fishing, in my opinion (but then again, I'm not as well-versed in fishing, so there's probably more technique to it than I'm thinking); I crab with lines and bait  and not crabpots or crab traps because those are for noobs. And every now and then, I catch giant terrapins and eels, the latter of which make great bait for crabs (and the former of which make great pets for the day before I let 'em back in the water).

I love music because...I just do? Usually when I'm in a bad mood or feeling a general bout of sadness, I realize eventually that it's because I haven't done anything musical in a while. I learn a new piece on the piano, and then I feel better. And like the other two hobbies I've listed, music is a great way to connect to people. I've been fortunate to have a lot of performance opportunities lately, and I do most of them with a partner, so there's the bonding in that alone (between me and said partner). And then, of course, there's the connection between the performer and the audience. It's kind of difficult for me to explain it without sounding like a pretentious douche, but I'll just say that performing has helped me meet a lot of people in general. Harmonizing with people, creating arrangements for choirs/a cappella groups, and shit like that in general is amazing. It's like your minds come together to make sweet musical love. That's really all I can say about that. It's also nice to be able to indulge in your own creativity when you see your musical talents/inclinations/skills coming to life and to be proud of yourself for something you know you are passionate about and work very hard in.

Day 22: In 5 years, 10 years, 15 years.

In 5 years, I honestly don't know. I don't know what job I'll have, who I'll be with, where I'll be living, or anything of that sorts. 5 years is so close, but it's still far enough that I don't really think to have a detailed plan for it. I actually don't even have a general plan for it, apart from being alive and still not living with my parents and maybe have at least half of my student loans paid off... I don't know where I could be. Honestly, I only say this because I still have my ambitions of becoming a performer. If I somehow manage to make it big, then in 5 years, I see myself performing at Madison Square Garden and being on the cover of Cosmo. :) If I end up being a regular Jane Doe then I see myself in a cool intelligence/analyst position (either government or private sector, I don't really care, but it'd sound extra cool if it were a government job), living with a Jindo or a German Shepherd or a Husky (or maybe all three muahaha) and still in Northern Virginia. It's a nice place in terms of things to do and restaurants and resources and landmarks and whatnot. Sure, the weather sucks, and some people act really entitled/spoiled here, but those aren't enough cons (not yet, anyway) to motivate me to get out of here. I might do a brief 1-year long stint in California or something just for the hell of it, but I see myself still ending up here.

In 10 years, I think I'll finally be settling down, if not already married. The only reason I don't want to be single by then is because I don't want to have a child that late; breast cancer risk (as well as a host of other risks) increases if you have your first child after the age of 30, and I wanna have my first kid (and the rest of the kids I may have) with someone I'm married to.

In 15 years, I see myself divorced and being a cougar preying on college boys. HAHAHA jk. I don't know why but it feels like divorce is inevitable in my life. I feel like I will either get annoyed of my husband or my husband will cheat on me. :/ I'm such a cynic. I like the idea of being a cougar though. :P Of course, I can also see myself having a tough time with my kid(s). If somehow, in the next five years, I get married and have my first child, then they'll probably be reaching that age where they'll really start rebelling and getting exposed to sex/drugs/etc. I can only hope they'll know that popularity and acceptance isn't everything. Motherhood will probably be wearing me down.

Day 21: If I could have one superpower...

I would love telepathy.

I don't keep secrets from anybody, and I wish they wouldn't, either, just by principle. But of course, the bigger motive is that I'm just plain curious. What are you thinking about? Who are you thinking about? What do you think of me and my outfit and what I just said?

The people-pleaser in me also just wants to know what I can do to help other people. I don't know if I would want them to be aware of my telepathy or not, just so I don't have to explain how I know what I know. Also, people might be afraid to be around me in general out of fear of my judgment or nosy probing or something. I don't think I'd want it to be able to go in the other direction where I can plant thoughts in people's minds the same way I can receive thoughts from their minds; I don't wanna mess with free will to that extent.

Telekinesis is lazy. Flying is impractical in the winter, and I'd probably get a lot of bugs in my mouth/face in the summer. Invisibility is stupid if I can't also be inaudible and able to walk through things. Teleportation is also lazy; I like driving/traveling! Time travel is too finnicky and there are too many rules behind it (e.g. grandfather paradox) that I wouldn't know how to figure out, probs.

Day 20: 3 significant memories from my childhood

• Birds. Something I really appreciate my dad for is how he noticed how much I liked birds--particularly blue jays. Every time he saw one, he would call me over. My dad used to keep a few bowls of water in the backyard for the birds to come and bathe in. He also would look for small twigs with me that we could scatter in a small area of the backyard so that birds would come by and pick them up to use to build their nests. This is the same man who chased away the squirrels in our yard by hurling rocks at them and attacked a beehive with fire. Not your best idea, dad. Also, I remember this one time our backyard randomly had a giant flock of blackbirds just chillin'. That was kinda weird.
• My brother. Being 20+ years older than me, he moved out of our house when I was very young. I remember bawling like mad when my brother left. He spoiled me--he bought me my N64 and the Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time (which he himself ended up playing and never let me have a turn, in true older brother fashion). I remember a few days before he left, he took me to the mall and bought me a lot of things to keep me distracted from the fact that he was leaving, but no tamagotchi could keep me from my brother's indefinite departure from our home.
• Elizabeth. Better known to my friends nowadays as Liz or JinHyung, she was my first friend, and we are still best friends to this day. We met at church. I was one talkative little shit. I remember the first day I met her, I literally wouldn't leave her alone until she agreed to be my friend. I'm glad I was so persistent. :)

Day 19: If I could live anywhere...

The first thought that comes to mind is anywhere classical music performance and study is rampant. Preferably in Europe, like Vienna or something. But that's so far from my family and friends...

The second thought that comes to mind is anywhere my friends are. In that case, it's northern Virginia (although California is starting to catch up...). I don't want to go anywhere without my friends in easy access.

The third thought that comes to mind is that it's gotta be somewhere I can go fishing and crabbing. I cannot be away from the water.

And the last thought that comes to mind is just the general landscape. Sunny, but also prone to wicked thunderstorms. Nice breezes, not too hot, not too cold.

Day 18: The hardest thing I've ever had to forgive

This goes with Day 17. I've had shitty people do shitty things to me, but forgiving them came relatively easily anyway. It's always easier for me to forgive other people than to forgive myself...

I've had to forgive myself for letting people take too much of me. I can't seem to help it; I've tried to tell myself over and over again that the fault lies with them and not me because they are the shitty people that did the shitty things, but my reasoning always ends up bringing me back to what I could have done to prevent the shitty things from happening in the first place.

I should have done this, I shouldn't have done that, I should have let go before it was too late. I've had to forgive myself for the way I've treated people as well as the way I've "let" them treat me, but my masochistic self doesn't seem to want to yield to self-exculpation. 

Day 17: The thing I wish I was most great at

Letting people go.

Honestly, I don't know when to cut people out of my life. I never saw a need for it. I can endure and tolerate a whole mess of stuff. I make excuses for people, and I justify them and then deem them valid.

I wish I could find the determination and confidence to tell myself that my life and I are better off without this person in my life. Whether it's because they are toxic, manipulative, needy, selfish, inconsiderate, overdramatic, or just plain mean, I have come across a multitude of people I have considered cutting out of my life. But I can't. A part of it is the notion that maybe they really need me in their life, and if I'm not there for them, then who will be? In other words, it is self-martyrdom and guilt that chains me to people. Another part of it is the golden rule; I wouldn't want to be abandoned because I'M too toxic, manipulative, needy, selfish, inconsiderate, overdramatic, or just plain mean. I am all of those things as well, and I wouldn't want any of the people in my life to cut me out for those things...

But when things are clearly not working out and they are exhausting me or stressing me out or taking a toll on my happiness in general, I still can't get myself to let people go. I really don't want to abandon people because I don't want to be abandoned. I'm not really sure if that makes sense...

Day 16: My 5 greatest accomplishments

• Great credit score. Actually I don't know if this is actually much of an accomplishment because it's not something I actively worked towards; it just happened. But yay!
• Learning Liszt's "La Campanella" (variations of Paganini; Etude 3). I never performed it, apart from maybe a snippet for a YouTube video I posted. But apart from a few friends (and one of their moms lol--I only remember because she called me a virtuoso pianist and I was so flattered), nobody knew I learned this. This was solely for me, and it was very gratifying--despite straining my carpal tunnel--to realize that I can do anything I put my mind to; I thought this song was legitimately impossible for me to learn. Didn't think I could ever learn a Liszt song all the way through, let alone an etude by him, because of the patience and dedication and frustration I knew it would entail...but I did it! Of course, this was in freshman year of college, and I remember none of it now...
• Picking myself up after being knocked down. Of course, this wasn't without the help of a few friends that I consider to be among my best friends today. But there was a time when I could very easily have given up hope, and it was pure stubbornness on my part that made me persevere. I had to force myself to wake up in the morning and do things with my day that I really didn't want to do, but I knew I had to because I would otherwise have continued spiraling downwards. I had to start somewhere, sometime. It was this one single accomplishment in itself that led the way to the accomplishment of many other things, including graduating from Virginia Tech with 3 bachelor's degrees, leading a fantastic a cappella group in college, falling in love for the first time, performing at the Verizon Center, dancing with a pretty awesome dance crew for really fun performances, and networking with a bunch of really wonderful people by putting myself out there in general.
• My selection of friends. I have retained some great people in my life, and I couldn't be prouder of my friends for their own accomplishments, in addition to their intellect, their personalities, their hotness (I have some pretty darn attractive friends), their morals and sound judgment (or even lack thereof--come on, they make for some pretty interesting people), their senses of humor, their emotional support, and countless other reasons why they are some of the best people I know.
• Is it sad that it was really difficult to come up with 5 great accomplishments in my life? Looking back, I don't know if I've really done anything noteworthy. :( Uhhh I won a scholarship through AASuccess (Asian-American Success) two years in a row, for $1,000 each year.

Day 15: If I were an animal...

I think I would be a crab. :)

Tough on the outside but soft and tender on the inside. When provoked or aggravated, either withdraws into shell or lashes out with pinches and swipes or assumes an otherwise aggressive stance. Ruled by moon. Loves to swim; loves the water. Foams at mouth when angry and/or dehydrated (I don't really foam at the mouth but I do huff and puff in general). Clumsy. Turns red when boiled in water (I imagine I would too).

Day 14: "Describe 5 strengths you have."

Some of these, like my weaknesses, probably overlap with each other, too.

Humor. I'd like to think I have a good sense of humor. Sure, it can be on the very dryly-witty, sarcastic, obnoxious, offensive sides of humor, but I can also just be downright corny sometimes. I like laughing, I like making people laugh, and I like hearing that people think I'm funny. One of the better things to hear about yourself. I also know how to laugh at myself, which I think is important for the lightness of the heart.

Open-minded. I am one of the least judgmental people you will ever meet. I know that doesn't sound quite right, if you know me--after all, I spew harsh judgmental statements about what people are wearing or what they look like or other sorts of superficial judgments, so let me clarify that I consider them to be just that--superficial judgments. I don't know them as a person, and I wouldn't infer anything about somebody's character just based on superficial judgments (which, in all honesty, are jokes. Jfc, I know some uptight people. I'm sorry you interpreted me to be a complete bitch because you thought I was serious about my judgments or because you thought I was implying disapproval just because I made fun of that girl's eyebrows with you). With initial judgments, I'm careful to note that someone "seems" one way or another, because I'm sure that that's not how they really are, and/or there's more to them. In fact, it's the people I have bad first impressions of that ended up being the best people in my life. Given circumstances and beliefs and morals (or lack thereof), people end up making wildly different choices from each other; I'm not one to judge, because I'm sure if I was in your situation, I would be the same way. I'd like to think that this is why people have told me some 'horrible' things they've done or thought; they are sure they can confide in me without my reprimanding or judging of them, because I can understand and perhaps even empathize with the most sinful, perverted, morbid sentiments of people. After all, I have my own secrets too. I'm also open-minded for concepts and experiences in general, not just about people and morals.

Multi-faceted. There are many dimensions to me. I am masculine and feminine; I am complicated and simple; I am dominant and submissive; I am logical and intuitive; I am a criminal and a victim; I am obedient and rebellious. I have multi-faceted interests as well, as I pick up on things pretty quickly, and it's a point of pride with me. I love learning new things in general, so the eagerness kind of drives me to adopt new processes and concepts and paradigms very readily. I want to be well-versed in the topics that interest me (which is almost everything ever). I like to have a little bit of everything in my character. From my hobbies to my fields of study to the instruments I play to the people I consider my best friends to the people I've dated to the movies to the books I love reading over and over again to I love to the music I listen to, I would like to think I don't fit into any single category or niche comfortably. I think outside the box and can be very artistic and abstract, but I also like sticking to rules and following reason.

Forgiving. Upon confiding in a friend about random stuff over this past weekend, he said to me: "You're too forgiving." I didn't know if that was a good thing or not at first, but I decided that it is, indeed, a good thing. I've learned a lot in the past few years that have helped me forgive people with the confidence that if they wronged me again, I would be able to let go because my life and I are bigger than whatever wrongdoing is in question. I also don't like holding grudges; it's a nasty weight to carry, and I don't like holding hatred in my heart for anyone. Of course, forgiveness doesn't necessarily mean that things are okay and back to normal; the relationship itself could be irreparably damaged in its own way... but it just means that I can seek and obtain closure for myself and have the decency to let go of my negative feelings towards my debtors.

Dependable. I am there for my friends (or so I'd like to think... if this doesn't sit well with you, then let me know). I can come pick them up from university and bring them back home if their ride falls through. I can pick up their phone calls at 3 in the morning when they want to mourn the end of their most recent relationship. I can listen to the same laments and complaints over and over again and give different pieces of advice depending on what I think is most appropriate for their present state of mind because I know what it is they want and need to hear. I am almost always available to hookah (and hang out in general), whether it's at my place or yours or at a lounge. I very, very rarely cancel plans or fail to follow through with something I committed to. If I say I'll do something, then I'll do it. I rarely make promises I can't keep. And as multi-faceted as I am, I am nonetheless a pretty consistent, predictable person for the most part.

Honesty. I know, 6 items instead of 5, but whatever. You can pretty much expect me to not lie to you, because I am very honest. Brutally honest. Too honest, even. Honest about things I don't have to be honest about. But I think it's better than being deceitful or manipulative by lying. Although, as Jack Sparrow says, it's the honest ones you've got to watch out for...

Day 13: "Describe 5 weaknesses you have."

I'm pretty sure a lot of these overlap or are direct effects of each other. Yay for positive feedback loops...

Hypocrisy. I tell people not to be late, and then I myself show up past due. I preach direct confrontation and straightforward honesty, and then I myself sometimes pussyfoot around things and/or twist the honest truth into a wispy white lie. I look down on arrogant people, yet I, too, hold myself in high regard at times. I despise inconsistency, yet I am inconsistent--a hypocrite. I'm definitely making an active effort to practicing what I preach, but I don't always catch it. Please help me do so, if you are one of my best friends.

Over-analysis. I have a habit of reading into things way too much. It's ironic, because I can't read between the lines and pick up on hints and identify motives for passive-aggressive behavior. However, it's because I am aware of this unawareness that I make an extra effort to analyze the crap out of things (and all the wrong things, too). I end up driving myself into insanity by contemplating different "what-if" scenarios and exploring the myriad of possible meanings of what somebody did or said and scrutinizing why what I did might have been wrong and what I need to do to ready myself for the consequences of said wrong action and wondering if someone favors me or dislikes me. I overanalyze texts, behavior, 'signs' in life, conversations, body language, everything. I have a constant headache from making mountains out of molehills. What's worse is that sometimes, I end up being right in my over-analysis, and so I am only reinforced to keep doing it.

Inconsiderateness/insensitivity. I never mean to be inconsiderate. That's just what it is: non-consideration. I never considered that something I did or said would offend or insult or hurt you. I was most likely joking and/or simply not realizing that you were sensitive to the matter at hand. Yes, I can be inconsiderate--but this does not mean I intentionally am trying to offend/insult/hurt you. Being inconsiderate really sucks because it's a self-sustaining trait, and people get mad at me without me realizing why. I then get deemed cold or selfish or bitchy or demanding because I failed to consider other people. I didn't mean to fail to consider you; I just simply didn't consider you. It wasn't an active effort. I realize this only makes me sound even more like the traits I just mentioned. And maybe people don't really care about intentions as much as I do. I would hope it's some sort of consolation to your increasingly-negative perception of me that I don't hurt you because I mean to; I hurt you because it's collateral damage of my blindness. After all, it's not like my thought process is, "Oh, have I considered his/her feelings yet? Maybe I should. Nah, I won't." It just never even crosses my mind. I'm sorry to those who have had to put up with me through this, but I am even sorrier to those who don't call me out on it--if you don't call me out on it, I'm never gonna improve, and you're most likely going to have to keep dealing with my bullshit. Please, please speak up if I am doing something you don't like or if you want to have more of a say.

Complaining. I don't realize I'm complaining until someone tells me I'm complaining. Another part of being inconsiderate, I guess. I just thought we were venting/talking... but neither the word 'complaining' nor its connotation sits well with me. So when someone tells me I'm complaining, I really try to shut the hell up. I don't even readily know what the opposite of complaining is. Appreciating? Praising? I do know, however, that I stopped expressing gratitude for positive things going on in my life because people kept saying I was just bragging. "I'm humanly unable to please everyone at the same time, so now I find my peace of mind living one day at a time..." To be frank, though, I think I would rather complain than appreciate; complaining helps me articulate what is wrong in my life, which then leads me to wonder what I can do to fix it. Please know, people, that when I complain, I don't do it for the sake of complaining. I'm trying to think out loud and brainstorm something (preferably with your input, if I'm indeed 'complaining' to you) to get rid of the dissonance in my life.

Overcommitment. I'm known as an overachiever among my friends, and it's more of a vice than a virtue, really. I tend to bite off more than I can chew, and the only reason I end up being able to follow through with everything I signed up for is because of the next item on this list. But if I could back out of things without any negative consequences, then I would. I sign myself up for all sorts of performances and events and trips and hangouts that I end up burning out. It doesn't happen often anymore, since I am rather used to it now (and I actually kind of thrive on it now), but back in college, I was just constantly running on fumes. I think I've achieved a decent balance of when to chill out and when to go full force into everything in my life, but there are times every now and then that I hate myself for not really thinking when I say 'yes' to things/people.

Stubbornness. I know it says to do only 5 weaknesses, but I have more than just 5 primary ones. There are a bunch more of secondary/tertiary weaknesses, too, I'm sure. I get my stubbornness from my dad, my family says. Too prideful to back down, too determined for negotiating or compromising, too hot-headed to yield to others' suggestions. Sometimes, I just do shit just for the sake of doing it, not because I even particularly feel like doing it anymore. I just don't want to go back on my word, and I want to try and be consistent, but also I just feel like doing things my way and my way only. I've wasted a lot of my time and resources because of my stubbornness, I'm sure, but I'm too stubborn to care.

Overapologetic. My mom raised me to believe that this is a good trait. By reinforcing me with accolades of my character, I ended up becoming a fuckin' martyr. Everything is my fault, everything is my responsibility. I need to take responsibility. If I had just done this or if I hadn't done that, then things would be fine. People would be fine. Somewhere along the road, I realized that I heard myself say the phrase "I'm sorry" more often than I heard it coming out of others' mouths. I started to resent apologizing, and I still do, honestly. I hate apologizing now. In trying to alleviate others of their guilt/responsibility, I ended up taking on the burden myself and losing myself in the process. Like I said, a martyr. Why can't people apologize to me, for once? And no, it doesn't count if you follow the phrase "I'm sorry" with a "but." No "but"s in apologies. Also, someone pointed out that it's awfully presumptuous that I apologize for everything. This kind of entails (although I never saw it this way) that I'm in control of everything and nobody else is; I knew/know what's best and nobody else does; I apologize because it's the higher road.

Day 11: Pet peeves.

• When people eat and you can hear their saliva. I don't really care about mouths being open whilst eating or whatever, but when you can almost hear how the person's tongue is moving the food, it's really unappetizing D:
• Uninvited guests. If I invite you, I'm inviting you specifically. If you want to bring someone, ask me--I will say yes probably 90% of the time, but don't just assume it's okay and bring someone to what might have been among the 10% of occasions in which I wanted things to remain private! 
• Building on this--people who can't go anywhere without their significant others.
• No use of turn signals whatsoever. Rude
• People who mercilessly believe that mainstream music and "good" music are mutually exclusive terms. Shut the hell up and let people enjoy the music they want without your judgment being imposed on them. There's shitty music on mainstream radio, yes, but there's shitty music not on mainstream radio, too. Stop hating artists who find success, and stop hating people that support them. People can listen to mainstream music and still manage to be individuals.
• Don't even get me started on people who think they know music without actually knowing the history, theory, and notable composers/innovators of music. You don't impress me just because you know The Strokes' entire discography. If you're going to be a pretentious twat about music, I'm going to one-up you on it and ask you about Rachmaninov's and Liszt's compositions and the history of motets & madrigals and whose piano etudes you prefer. Sit down, we both have a lot to learn.
• Passive-aggressive behavior. I used to be the most passive-aggressive bitch there was--in high school. Then I grew up. I learned how to confront people, say what's on my mind instead of pussyfooting around it, and be direct. You waste time when all you do is drop hints and subtly try to lure someone into doing or saying something and, most of the time, you don't even get what you want out of it. Save everybody some time and anxiety by just saying what you need to say. If it's not important enough to perhaps risk altering a relationship, then keep it private. But quit posting shit on social media hoping that your intended audience will not only read it but realize that it is about them and then cooperate accordingly.
• People with annoying catchphrases. 
• Girls who talk in baby voice.
• Vocal fry.
• People who talk or text during movies. Watch the god damn movie. Visuals and audio are equally important and have to be experienced in full!
• Being talked down to. 
• Obese people. I'm not talking big-boned or chubby or plump people. I'm talking about people whose upper arms look like my thighs (and I've got rather chunky thighs). What is your life? (unless you've got elephantitis or a thyroid condition or the like)
• Having my time wasted. Whether you keep asking the same questions I already answered a while ago, or you're late to some plans we made (and you didn't tell me you were going to be late), or you are just a very slow person in general, I am very particular about not having my time wasted. Instead of waiting for you or repeating myself, I could have spent some extra time eating or napping or watching TV. :]

Day 10: My most embarrassing moment.

I'm not one of those people who are kept up at night by their brain replaying all of their embarrassing, shameful moments.

Sike. I totally am. Er I think I was at one point, but not so much anymore. I'm not sure what changed, nor when it changed, but I just find great liberty in laughing at myself. Besides, if you can laugh at yourself, then they are laughing with you, not at you.

With that said...

I can think of moments that had me in absolutely ridiculous situations. The following are a few of them, because I really don't know which was the "most" embarrassing. 

• I was eight years old and my dad was trying to get me assimilated into participating in the scripts of regular social dialogue, such as ordering food. He had me order food by myself at McDonald's. I got the food in the bag, and the cashier was handing me back my change (I have no idea how we got the food sooner than we got the change back). As I held the change scooped in my hand and brought my arm back from over the counter, my elbow hit the bag of food and fries flew everywhere. My dad yelled at me and I cried, which made him yell even more. The employees felt so bad for me they gave me a second serving of food anyway free of charge.
• I was around fifteen or sixteen, and I was the accompanist at church for service on a particular Sunday. In the middle of the sermon, I suddenly got a stomachache. I rushed out of there (from where the piano was, all the way in the front) and hurried to the restroom, did my business, and then hurried back. In my haste, however, I hadn't checked to see that I was...decent. My dress was tucked into my stocking, and everyone could see my underwear. Nobody mentioned anything until after service, though.
• This was last week. I had too much dairy towards the end of my work day and lactose intolerance turned its ugly head on me. Let's just say you shouldn't park in the row near the exit of the North parking garage.
• My parents are super foreign, and their accents and broken English can be pretty embarrassing to a kid whose other classmates are all white/black. I realized in a few years, though, that broken English is simply a testament to that person's ability to speak more than one language. It's something to admire, not ridicule.
• I think I was either thirteen or fourteen. I was hanging out with the 'popular' girls, one of whom had a crush on this 'popular' guy in our grade. She asked him out, and he said no. So, in an effort of camaraderie, we all decided to ask him out one by one throughout the rest of the day so she wouldn't feel alone in being rejected. Though the point was for him to say no to the rest of us, I still felt rather abashed that the first time I asked a guy out was not even a genuine gesture on my part and that I got rejected by one of the cutest boys in our class.
• I was singing with my high school a cappella group and best friends, Bella, at some event hosted by WKYS 93.9 and Boys & Girls Club. We were singing "Bridge Over Troubled Water," and one of us didn't hit the right note. It threw the rest of us off. We all stopped singing at the same time, and although we were just supposed to be background noise, the audience stopped whatever they were doing and turned to look towards us on the stage. All four of us, 16 years old and embarrassed, looked at each other not knowing what to do, until finally one of us legit announced, "Okay, thank you, bye!" We all ran off the stage. As soon as we got backstage, we burst into laughter. The rest of the event, we were too afraid to come out from the backstage area, apart from one time when they sent me out to get their purses because I was the least embarrassed. We still talk about this incident to this day.
• Senior year, auditioning for a solo for the senior recital in orchestra. I was not prepared at ALL. I kept stumbling, and eventually it got to the point where my face was burning so hot I started crying. I was so ashamed that I was so poorly prepared for this audition. This happened again sometime last year when I was supposed to be the pianist for some recital and I had no time to practice at all due to personal issues and two other jobs I was working, so come dress rehearsal, I sounded like crap and the director was incredibly angry with me and basically pushed me off the bench so she could play the songs herself.
• Gong show, junior year. I got gonged and then booed off stage.

The cool thing about embarrassing stories is that they end up redeeming themselves as really amusing anecdotes.