Where are you?

Growing up, I had a dysfunctional family. Who doesn't, right? Still, I feel I was deprived of the sense of "family" during my childhood more than my friends were. My parents divorced when I was just entering the first grade. My older half-brother, who was 20+ years my senior, moved out of my house after an altercation with our dad when I was just four or five years old, and I wouldn't see him for at least another decade. I only met my mom's side of the family once, as they all live in Korea; to this day, I don't know who all of my uncles, aunts, and cousins are in Korea. My dad forbade me from ever seeing his side of the family, and I never dared question why he hated them so much. I just obeyed.

Still, mama knew me better than I knew myself, and knew that I would one day crave for a sense of family, if I wasn't already. She went behind my dad's back to get me to start seeing his side of the family. The matriarch of the family, aunt Jannie, who I rarely ever saw. The eldest male in the family, uncle June, who potty-trained me and sympathized with me about my dad and "his ways." The youngest male in the family, my "little dad," who owned a popular restaurant in one of the biggest Asian marts in northern Virginia. The youngest female in the family, Kathy, who sadly gets dubbed as "the crazy one" and the drama queen of the family.

Aunt Jannie passed away from brain tumors in 2004. It was at her funeral that I was re-united with my own brother, and the first time I hung out with all of my cousins as a "grown-up" and not just as a child. We played poker, they let me have some beers, and my brother won me some seed money for college in poker. I would start seeing the family more regularly--and not just during the 4th of July and New Years--for the next few years. Then, I went off to college and spoke to nobody but my mom. I never heard from my brother, I heard from my dad maybe once or twice a year, and I was once again only reunited with my cousins during the 4th of July and New Years.

I graduated college after four years of learning just how selfish/selfless I am, how much I want to belong somewhere, how much I crave love & affection from friends and family, and how I can drive myself into madness with thoughts of loneliness and remorse. Shit happened during those four years. I lost quite a few friends, I gained many more, I learned secrets about still others that had been my friends this entire time that I was oblivious to. I was ostracized, I was celebrated, I was hated, my character was questioned (by both others and myself), and I was still loyal (to others, but not to myself). I lost myself, but found myself in the way I care for the people in my life. I lost myself again when I realized I care too much for the other people in my life and not enough for myself. I pushed myself. I took things for granted, and appreciated them when I lost them and promised myself I would learn more about gratitude as I entered the real world.

Graduation day, mom told me about you. And I realized just how mortal we all are.

Certain things stopped being important. I don't care if that boy loves me or not anymore. I don't care what that girl is saying about me to her sorority. I don't care if plans are cancelled, because I have somewhere more important to be anyway. I don't care if I have to spend a ton of money on gas to drive 90 miles to Maryland and back just to catch a feeble dozen crabs. I don't care if I got three useless degrees from university, because your degree was useless, too, and you still did very well in life. I don't care if much of our time together was spent in silence, watching television and drinking beer. I don't care that you never asked for anything in return, because I still wish I could have done more.

Where are you? Why are you gone? How did this happen to you? You were the best one out of all of us. Can you come back, somehow?

You were the protective, funny, street smart, cool-but-dumb, don't-fuck-with-my-family older brother that I had always wanted. Of all of us, why did you have to go? Why wasn't it me? It could have been any of us. The illness clearly runs in our family. Why was it you? Where are you? Can you hear me?

After you left us, I started working in food service. I know you would have given me so much shit for that: "Why is your life going ass backwards? You're going from working in government to serving food? Can you at least hook me up? What's good there?" And then upon learning that we had no seafood or barbecue dishes, you would have scoffed and walked out. Your dad passed away two months later, following you to the afterlife, a father going after his son. Is there an afterlife? Where are you? Can you hear me?

I then picked up a job in retail. You would have still given me shit for delving further into the service industry, but then begrudgingly would have told me you respect my work ethic and that "you gotta do what you gotta do to get by." I was working 60-70 hours a week dealing with other people so I wouldn't have to deal with myself and my grief. My dad didn't show up to either your nor your dad's funerals, by the way.

I got a job with the government around a month ago. Sub-contractor, actually. You would have given me shit for that, too. "You suck so much that you can't even work for a contractor for the government, but you work for a contractor for a contractor for the government? What's wrong with you?" You were such an asshole. You had a way of making fun of me for absolutely everything, and I loved you for it. Any time I fucked up in life in the past few years, I would tell you, and you would just laugh. You would help me realize that mistakes are just funny stories you can tell to people in the future (and to your cousin with cancer that will make you sheepishly realize that things could be worse). You helped me see the humor in life. You would sometimes tell me about your own similar fuck-ups--which actually ended up being worse than mine--which made me feel better. There was one fuck-up of mine where you didn't even want to know details, because you knew I was so ashamed, and it was no poking-fun matter. But you helped me out anyway, shoving a wad of cash in my hand and telling me not to worry about it. And I knew you knew what it was. But neither of us spoke about it out loud, and that's when I really started to get who you were as a person.

You were the one that really helped me feel like I finally had a family. You brought us together. You always talked shit at poker nights while smoking your cigars, wearing those stupid sunglasses, bragging about how you've got a huge dong. I knocked you down a peg, when you referred to your manhood as a "Jimmy Dean bratwurst," by replying: "I think you mean Vienna Sausage." Weirdly enough, I think this is when you started to respect me--when 15-year old me made an unexpected dick diss.

I have more time to myself now. I've quit my retail job. I only work about 60 hours a week now, but 40 of those hours are a desk job where I honestly have nothing to do, and so I am left alone with my thoughts--the thoughts I refused to acknowledge about your absence, about uncle's absence, about dad's self-alienation from the family, about the evanescence of life. And I've been fucking up a lot lately with friends and my mom and finances and job stuff and friends and ambition.

I need you to laugh at me again. Where the fuck are you?

What I learned from How I Met Your Mother

• You can have multiple best friends. Despite the struggles between Marshall, Ted, and Barney to claim sole bestfriendship with one another, they were all best friends. Also, as with Lily and Robin/Jillian (the teacher from her kindergarten), sometimes you just have different best friends for different reasons. But honestly, it's like picking a favorite child (I'm assuming): you can't do it. You love em for different reasons, but the same great amount. 
• Before settling down, people should be able to pursue their individuality. If they can't do this together, then it may just be necessary that they do have to be apart. Lily couldn't have married Marshall without having moved to San Francisco first to try and pursue her art dreams. Robin couldn't have ended up with Ted without having traveled the world first. Ted couldn't have ended up with his heart yearning for someone else to love (that is, Robin) upon losing Tracy if he hadn't lived out his dream of being a father and a husband. The title of this show was, after all, "How I Met Your Mother." It wasn't "How Your Mother and I Fell In Love" or "How Your Mother and I Spent Our Time Together." It was about the process of learning and growing and running away and confronting and making mistakes that ended up leading to that moment under the yellow umbrella. And, of course, it was a sly dig towards his kids about whether or not they would be okay with him being with Aunt Robin.
• Life is for the living. When someone you love dies, you feel aghast that the rest of the world doesn't stop and mourn with you. I'm sure Marshall felt the same way when his father passed away in the series, and Ted, too, must have felt stricken by Tracy's death. You end up tying your own fate to the deceased. We can't put our own lives on indefinite pause, though. Our loved ones who have had their lives stopped short would surely want for us to move on and do great things with ours.
• We don't always get answers to the things we ask. This will always bother me as a philosophy student, despite the whole Socratic method of admitting to ignorance and lack of knowledge. Where did the pineapple come from? When did Robin become a bullfighter? (Ted's older self mentioned that in the Christmas episode where he put up lights in the living room for Robin: "Your Aunt Robin was many things . . . she was even a bullfighter at one point, I'll get to that . . . but there was one thing your Aunt Robin never was. She was never alone.") How do you play Marshgammon? What is that game Barney always played with the Asians in AC?? Did Ted ever win that tricycle belt? Who was Barney's baby mama?
• The cheerleader effect is real. True for both girls and guys, as noted in the show itself, the cheerleader effect deludes onlookers into thinking that some group of people consists of attractive people when, observed individually, they are actually unsightly and awkward.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
• If you've got chemistry (i.e. compatibility, attraction, passion, intimacy, what have you) with someone, it's still not enough, because you need one other thing: timing. And this isn't something you can help. Whether it's because one or both of the parties are in a relationship, are not emotionally available, have starkly different priorities, are living somewhere completely different, are focused on work/career, are not mature enough, or simply are not into the other person, timing is something that has to solve itself. And, as the show has taught us, if something is worth being called 'legendary,' then we must wait for it.
• Everything happens for a reason, but that reason is either subjective or not meant to be discovered until later on down the road. When adversity happens to you, you can either interpret it to be a sign that you're doing something wrong or a test to prove yourself and demonstrate how much you want whatever it is you're pursuing. Or when you simply don't know why something is happening to you, just put faith in the future. You will know the answer when you need to, and until then, you are still growing. If Stella never left Ted at the altar, if Ted never got the butterfly tattoo, if Barney hadn't proposed to the (then) love of Ted's life, he never would have met the mother.
• Not everything has a clean closure of catharsis. As with the ending of the series itself, I was left wanting a little more, feeling unsettled and even indignant and cheated. But as with falling-outs and break-ups, there can't always be a clean break-up. There will be sunken costs that can never be recovered, innumerable unanswered questions, unresolved conflicts, and other loose ends... but you have to come to terms with the idea that you are big enough to deal with it--you are bigger than the lack of answers and confrontations, and your life is more than your problems. And sometimes, you may just have to compose the closure yourself.
• You shouldn't have to wait for "signs" from the universe. The universe, I would hope, has better things to do than to hand you some stop/go signal for that job or that girl or that move. Just do it because you want to do it, not because of some foresight granted to you by "signs." If you're waiting on a sign from the universe, then maybe you are not ready to do it...
• Making every night legendary means that, paradoxically, no night is legendary. I took a very brief but very necessary social break earlier this year, and in that time, I was at my apartment alone (apart from my room mate), watching TV and smoking hookah and reading by myself. It was calming and helped me recalibrate myself. I don't want to become desensitized to the awesomeness that is my friends' company and the adventures we go on together.
• Making an ass of yourself for love is highly underrated. One of my best friends makes an absolute ass out of himself sometimes (though he doesn't show it to his friends) for the girls he falls for. He is just as much of a facebook/instagram stalker and text re-reader and conversation overanalyzing rehash-er as I'm sure Ted is. I know some other people who are like that, but they get called "thirsty" or "desperate" or "obsessed" or downright "creepy." Objectively speaking, I think it's pretty sweet and thoughtful, and I'm sad for them that they end up choosing the wrong people. Ted consistently made an ass of himself for Robin, and ultimately, that planted the idea of associating dependability and trustworthiness with Ted in Robin's mind.
• Things almost never go as planned. Marshall planned on being an environmental lawyer, Ted planned on meeting the one by the time he was 23, Lily wanted to be an artist... But in pursuit of our elusive goals, we end up sometimes finding something even better. We can't rush to where we want to be and skip the journey. With that said...
• Things have to fall apart to make way for better things. Can't build that skyscraper if the outdated hotel is still in its space. Can't meet the love of your life if you're with the wrong person. Can't get your dream job if you're working for a promotion at a job you hate.
• There will be moments when you will lose faith. It's your determination and strong will (and probably some stubbornness) that will end up pushing you through, though.
• People will find a way back into your life if they really want to. That is, they can recognize that having you in their life is more important than their pride. They can apologize to you for wrongdoings and own up to their debts. They can reconnect with you if they miss your company.
• You will get too old for some shit (see: Murtaugh list), but not for others (see: Barney's playbook being resurrected upon his divorce). You decide.
• Consolation prizes might actually be destroying the integrity of people's will and motivation. Yes, it's good to have fun, but participation trophies and the like go against the very purpose of trophies and prizes. To be honest, I myself find them insulting. I don't need your charity. I lost, don't rub salt in the wounds by giving me something you and I both know I don't deserve.
• More than anything, this show has taught me how to move on. When I was going through my own break-ups, I heavily relied on this show to distract me and provide me with some sense. I ended up being able to apply so much of what Ted learned to my own heartbreaks.
• In relationships, there has to be both conflict and support. While Ted and Zoe fought over almost every issue that divided them as a couple, Marshall and Lily constantly supported each other despite individual misgivings. Both parties went mad at some point. Bottom line is, stay honest with each other, but know to pick your battles; it's better to lose the argument than to lose the person.
  
  
  
  
• "The One" is more of a subjective concept than it is an actual objective, indefinite/discrete entity of a person that transcends your notion of love. There may be the "one" for your specific timing/situation. Robin was the one when Ted had first met her. Stella was the one after that. Tracy was the one after eight or so years of going through other trials that helped shape who he was (including thinking that Stella was the one). Robin was the one six years after Tracy had passed away and Ted was ready to love again.
• Tight-knit groups drift apart. It's happened already for me with my high school group. One of my best friends from high school went to Duke and then moved out to San Francisco. Another went to Berklee College of Music and is now living in Boston. Another stayed in-state for college, but then moved to Los Angeles and is planning on staying there for at least another year. Thankfully, I still have a lot of my best friends within driving distance of this area... but I bet that within 5-10 years, some (or even all) of us will move and go our separate ways. Some of us will get married and start raising kids and only be able to hang out with other parents. Some of us will end up traveling the world. But as we move on with our lives, we will end up developing different social circles. I do plan on ending up in the same nursing home as one or two of my best friends, though. We've talked about this. It's happening.
• People do get divorced. Being a millenial in my 20's, I see a lot of people on Facebook posting up engagement/wedding announcements, and I feel very happy for them. So many of them (if not all of them) seem perfect for each other, and I envy them for their happiness. But as one of my more cynical friends put it, "Who cares if they're already getting married? It just means they'll get divorced sooner than I do." Yes, divorce happens. I don't know if I'm just cynical because my own parents got divorced, but I think divorce will happen in my future too, only because I'm not a very static person in terms of priorities and preferences and even personality; I change every couple of years, and that's bound to create conflict with my significant other... I would hope it doesn't, but I need to be realistic and prepared.
• People do get terminally ill. Poor Ted and Tracy. I would be so fortunate as to simply die of old age, perhaps even peacefully in my sleep or in my deathbed after I say goodbye to my loved ones. But illnesses don't care how old/young you are or how much you're loved or how good of a person you are or how many people you have to stay alive for and care for. My cousin has been battling pancreatic cancer since April 2012, when he was only 39. My aunt on the same side of the family died of brain cancer in 2005 in her late 60's. My uncle (the aforementioned cousin's dad) had esophageal cancer and now has lung cancer going into his mid- to late-70's. My own dad has been having health issues for the past couple of months. I'm grateful that no other people in my life are sick. Illness can happen to absolutely anyone.
• What you want changes over time, mostly because your expectations change over time. This is perfectly epitomized in everyone's reaction to the finale: so many of us were outraged over Ted and Robin getting back together. Correct me if I'm wrong, but didn't all of us actually want Ted and Robin to be together at some point? And we agonized over the fact that future Ted would always refer to her as "Aunt Robin" because it meant that they really didn't end up together, no matter how much we wanted them to. I got painfully sympathetic for Ted every time Robin rejected him, and I was furious with Robin when she would realize what a great guy Ted was only when it was too late. Eventually, I accepted that they wouldn't be together, and I eventually wanted Ted to go ahead and meet the mother and fall obliteratingly in love with her. Funny thing is, after I accepted they wouldn't be together, they end up being together vis-a-vis the finale. Also note, in the Pilot episode, Ted is talking abstractly about his future wedding with the Lebanese girl that turned out to be dating Carl, and he said he wants a "band, no DJ." He was so anti-band for Robin & Barney's wedding! Although, of course, that might also have been more about a band being a metaphor for Barney in general.
• It's more about the investment itself than the return and outcome. Economically speaking, a sunken cost results from an investment from which you don't get sufficient return, and you cannot recover the losses. The biggest sunken cost for us, of course, is time. The time we put into relationships and pursuing dreams can never be recovered. We should spend our time wisely doing the things we love with the people we love.
• Every ending is a new beginning.
  
  
  
  

Farewell to a show that I bonded with people over, a show I learned a lot of lessons from, and a show that got me through some tough times.

Day 16: My 5 greatest accomplishments

• Great credit score. Actually I don't know if this is actually much of an accomplishment because it's not something I actively worked towards; it just happened. But yay!
• Learning Liszt's "La Campanella" (variations of Paganini; Etude 3). I never performed it, apart from maybe a snippet for a YouTube video I posted. But apart from a few friends (and one of their moms lol--I only remember because she called me a virtuoso pianist and I was so flattered), nobody knew I learned this. This was solely for me, and it was very gratifying--despite straining my carpal tunnel--to realize that I can do anything I put my mind to; I thought this song was legitimately impossible for me to learn. Didn't think I could ever learn a Liszt song all the way through, let alone an etude by him, because of the patience and dedication and frustration I knew it would entail...but I did it! Of course, this was in freshman year of college, and I remember none of it now...
• Picking myself up after being knocked down. Of course, this wasn't without the help of a few friends that I consider to be among my best friends today. But there was a time when I could very easily have given up hope, and it was pure stubbornness on my part that made me persevere. I had to force myself to wake up in the morning and do things with my day that I really didn't want to do, but I knew I had to because I would otherwise have continued spiraling downwards. I had to start somewhere, sometime. It was this one single accomplishment in itself that led the way to the accomplishment of many other things, including graduating from Virginia Tech with 3 bachelor's degrees, leading a fantastic a cappella group in college, falling in love for the first time, performing at the Verizon Center, dancing with a pretty awesome dance crew for really fun performances, and networking with a bunch of really wonderful people by putting myself out there in general.
• My selection of friends. I have retained some great people in my life, and I couldn't be prouder of my friends for their own accomplishments, in addition to their intellect, their personalities, their hotness (I have some pretty darn attractive friends), their morals and sound judgment (or even lack thereof--come on, they make for some pretty interesting people), their senses of humor, their emotional support, and countless other reasons why they are some of the best people I know.
• Is it sad that it was really difficult to come up with 5 great accomplishments in my life? Looking back, I don't know if I've really done anything noteworthy. :( Uhhh I won a scholarship through AASuccess (Asian-American Success) two years in a row, for $1,000 each year.

Day 06: The hardest thing I've ever experienced

There isn't just one single thing I can label as the absolute hardest thing I've ever experienced (giggity). I think the root of all of them, though, is helplessness and/or guilt.

In my 23-24 years of life, one of the worst things I've ever experienced is guilt. The knowledge that you are to blame for someone's pain or some other horrible affliction upon the world is a heavy emotional burden to live with. Often accompanying guilt is helplessness--knowing that there is nothing within your control that you can do to alleviate yourself of said guilt. In few situations, I find liberation in knowing that no matter what I do, the end will be the same no matter what. For the grand majority of the time, though, I like knowing that things are under my control, and I feel frustrated with myself when I can't (or am too lazy to) achieve the result I want. So knowing that I can't escape the crushing weight of guilt and responsibility--no matter how I try to talk my way out of it, or reason with others and myself, or gain others' sympathies--is one of the worst things I've experienced.

Helplessness in general is a pretty devastating feeling. On the painstakingly many occasions I've experienced it, I was left feeling hollow, stupid, incompetent, and/or worthless. I think my most 'traumatic' memories preserve the claustrophobic anxiety and stunned panic of helplessness the most, and I feel doomed to a lifetime of apologetic shame--for the lives that were cut short, the unreconciled relationships, the boy who couldn't love me back, the one with whom I sought vengeance, and the ones I couldn't (wouldn't) save.

Day 04: Five things I would tell my 16-year old self

1. Don't think about things in terms of "good enough" or "inadequacy". Everything is a lesson to be learned (or at least a memory to be made and look back on), and these are the lessons you must learn in your life; these are the days that must happen to you. You are simply not 'right' for something (or someone), but don't think that that means you are insufficient. Keep moving, because you are getting closer to what (and whom) you are meant for. Life and life choices can just be processes of elimination sometimes.
2. Save yourself for someone who deserves to know you that intimately. Don't judge other girls who do otherwise. It's their body and their choice, just as it is your body and your choice. Sex will be much more enjoyable and meaningful this way for you, though, and it will cement the distinction between whomsoever you choose to be with and the others that aren't right for you. If anybody incessantly tries to put you down for it or even change your mind, tell them to go fuck themselves. Don't give yourself away to make a boy stay or because you are afraid he won't like you otherwise. You can do better than that. 'No' means 'no,' by the way. Don't ever let someone make you feel guilty just because you know what you want (or don't want) for yourself.
3. Look into majoring in marine biology or astronomy, not economics and/or business. BUT do retain a music minor; you'll make some of your best friends this way. 
4. You will appreciate your mother much more and actually miss her upon moving out of her house. Cherish your time with her, even when she's temperamental. Especially when she's temperamental. Remember that her behavior finds root in her care for you. If she didn't yell at you, discipline you, and make you feel like shit about your bad choices, it would mean she doesn't genuinely care about you; be thankful, then, that she does, because you will know many people who have indifferent or even deceased parents. Furthermore, she is allowed to be selfish and self-centered and ignorant and oblivious. She's not just your mother. She's human, just like you and everybody else that makes mistakes.
5. There will be times when you are completely alone... suffocatingly, asphyxiatingly, excruciatingly, hopelessly, helplessly alone. People can't always be there for you, despite how many friends you have. They have their own issues to deal with, and you can also be overbearing sometimes. Don't take it personally, though. Remember that people can have moments of selfishness and inconsiderateness that has more to do with them than with you. But other people simply will abandon you, flake out on you, turn on you, refuse to help you, or otherwise make you realize that you've had the wrong people in your life. These people had to be removed from your life to make room for better people--the ones that understand you and can listen to your stories over and over again, the ones that will support you even if they don't agree with your choices, the ones that are here to stay rather than just be a temporary band-aid on some niche in your life. Some people leave because they can't bother to stay in touch; don't take it personally. 

What I learned in 2013.

I did a similar sort of list with 2012 on my xanga, but alas, xanga has had its time. RIP to the blog that harbored my silly 13-year old thoughts through my 22-year old musings. On to the next one.

x. The pokemon Dewgong is named after an actual mammal called a dugong. Was I really slow on the uptake? Did everybody else know about this?? I didn't know dugongs were a real thing.

x. I learned what the houndstooth pattern is. I've always known what it was, but I never knew the name of it until this year.

x. Adults are really no different from children. They throw temper tantrums, they can be very uninhibited and hedonistic, they can be petty, they can be immature. There is no magical age threshold at which one's mentality suddenly changes. It's not on your 40th birthday, it's not on your 30th birthday, it's definitely not on your 21st birthday.

x. I learned how to fill my tires with air. Usually it was done for me at oil changes, but I finally had to do it on my own one unfortunate day in Blacksburg when my tire was, unbeknownst to me, punctured.

x. The clock in the apartment of How I Met Your Mother is always pointed at 4:20pm.

x. Happiness is a state of mind, not a result. I find that being able to point to reasons as to why I'm happy doesn't mean I'm actually happy. Being happy for reasons x and y and z kind of sucks, because reason is susceptible to objections and fallacies and sabotage and can thusly be compromised.

x. Not everybody who is well-spoken and eloquent is smart, and not everybody who has limited vocabulary is stupid. Perhaps this is common sense to people, but I always thought that the more control over language that someone held, the more intelligent they were; I thought eloquence reflected erudition... and boy, was I wrong. Being articulate with your thoughts is still a thing to strive towards, though.

x. NyQuil gets me high. Ask my room mate or any of my best friends that have had to take care of me while I was sick with a cold who dared to make the mistake of giving me NyQuil; I get weird. I think the last time I took it, I found myself eating cantaloupes naked. I also remember crying when someone (I forget who--sorry, whoever you were) kept telling me to keep my clothes on.

x. The difference between arrogance and confidence is entitlement. This was a question I had in last year's list of lessons, whereupon I pondered what exactly the difference was between the aforementioned traits. If you're confident, you know what you are capable of and are at peace with the consequences that brings. If you're arrogant, you know what you are capable of but are deluded of what exactly that entitles you to (i.e. recognition, accolades, or otherwise).

x. The capital of Australia is not Sydney. It's Canberra (pronounced "cambra"). Sydney is the capital of New South Wales, a province of Australia, though. I learned this when a random British man and Australian woman were bantering cheerfully about who knew the capitals of the countries of the world, and the former asked me what the capital of Australia was, and I responded, "Uh... Sydney?" to which he said "Thank you!" as if I were confirming something he'd been arguing for a while. The woman laughed in indignation and said "No! It's 'Cambra'!" and the man replied, "No one's ever heard of this 'Cambra,' stop making things up."

x. I can't control everything. This is a "duh" to a lot of people, but I have lived much of life believing that if I really wanted something and knew it to be feasible, I could make it happen (or even find a way to make it feasible). But some things have to fall into place on their own, not rushed by my hand. What will be, will be. Some people have to realize things on their own, as well; I can't force them to confront demons they are not ready to face. I can't control people, and I shouldn't try to, whether by manipulation or coercion or whatever other tools are at my disposal as a woman.

x. I don't have a "type" of guy I go after, but I can't be with a guy that believes he is smarter than me. Whether he actually IS smarter than me or not isn't the issue here. It's the fact that when somebody believes themselves to be superior to you in some way (in this case, by intellect--which really matters to me), this belief will start manifesting itself in the way that they treat me and talk to me. They will lie to me because they think they know what's better for me than I do (or simply because they think I am not smart enough to figure out their lies); they will try to manipulate me; they will play games with me; they will sneak around because they think they can get away with it; they will be condescending and belittling towards me; and most of all, they will not respect me. Or perhaps I'm jaded...

x. The "DK" in "DKNY" stands for Donna Karan. I don't know why I didn't bother figuring this out sooner. I only found out before Mother's Day when I bought my mom a DKNY handbag, which I remember was her favorite brand when I was growing up. In my head, I always kind of read it as "Donkey Kong New York." Close enough.

x. It's okay not to be okay. As Jessie J says: "Tears don't mean you're losing, everybody's bruising--just be true to who you are." I don't always meet my own expectations. I am weak, I make mistakes--it is nothing to try and cover up. Letting myself be not-okay doesn't mean I'm lowering my standards for myself or that I will fall into a spiraling depression. Rather, it means self-respect; I respect myself enough as a human being capable of insight and learning to allow myself the opportunities that being not-okay can provide, such as hope, resilience, and new perspectives.

x. A relationship should be a celebration of happiness, not a salvation from sadness. I know of a lot of people who get into relationships simply because they are lonely and/or cannot deal with their misery on their own. They think having a girlfriend/boyfriend will make their problems go away, somehow--a "save me from myself" cry. Maybe that works for some people. I just know it doesn't for me, nor do I want to be with anybody that it does work for.

x. Technology, which I thought would bring me closer to people, is somehow making me feel more disconnected. I snapchat people I've only met in person once or twice, if at all. Then comes the time when I meet them in person, and I'm flustered because I have no idea how to interact organically anymore. I only know my phone and keyboard. Not good.

x. It's okay to change your mind and ideologies often. In fact, it's encouraged. Better than being closed-minded and stagnant.

x. Atlantic City is in New Jersey. I don't know why I didn't know this before. I guess I didn't care to ever go? It scares me how many things there are in this list that I never questioned until I learned the truth.

x. There is a first time for everything. Terrifying, but also encouraging.

x. I learned about "primer" in make-up. Go figure such a thing exists in cosmetics, since it exists in paint, and they're pretty much the same thing.

x. I learned that there is an EST and EDT in denoting time on the east coast. I kind of always assumed it was just EST, but EDT is after spring forward, and EST is after fall backward.

x. I learned how to say no and stand up for myself. I learned not to let people guilt-trip me. Never let somebody make you feel bad for wanting something you are absolutely entitled to. If you break up with somebody, don't let the other person make you feel bad for leaving them. If you stop doing favors for somebody, don't let them guilt-trip you into resuming. You are your own person. When you say no and the other person still continues to try and change your mind, it's not up to you to say no in a nicer way, or to word it differently, or to give into certain concessions, or to give up and put their needs before yours. No is no, and the other person shouldn't be trying to control you and your will.

x. I learned why I don't like it when people touch me. I never noticed it before, apart from the instances here and there when I noted that my arm or leg would immediately twitch away if someone brushed up against it unexpectedly--but I thought that was normal. I would tense up but only for a few seconds, and eventually the tactile contact would be forgotten. It wasn't until I read (don't judge me) Fifty Shades of Grey that I realized my reaction to touch wasn't normal and that there is a reason behind my reflexes...

x. For nostalgia purposes, I learned that I should keep a record of my playlists. I label them, e.g. "December 2013," and plan on revisiting them a year or two from whenever I originally made them. It's like an audio time capsule.

x. The way that nails on a chark or forks scratching a plate piss some people, the sound of dry markers skidding on paper and the sound/feeling of wet sponges being squeezed/rubbed against themselves give me goosebumps and make me want to hurt something.

x. Given that your best thoughts come to you before bed, I learned that I should keep notepads and/or my laptop by my side when I sleep so I can record the spontaneous thoughts of fleeting genius that come to me during that limbo when I am just comfortable enough to fall asleep (whereupon I convince myself that I will remember what I am thinking the next morning--which never happens).

x. Don't play games in a relationship. This is where miscommunication and overanalyzing comes from--misinterpretation, trying to stay one step ahead, trying to read between the lines, playing chicken, keeping a poker face while trying to call the other's bluff... It's exhausting. Thoughts like "I won't respond to him the next time he talks to me because he's kept me hanging all day." or "I'm gonna post a picture of me and that girl she's jealous of because she went for drinks with that guy I don't like." are childish, petty, and immature. Stoppp.

x. More often than not, I consult my friends' opinions when I am faced with a decision. I learned, though, that this is my life--my choices. So long as I'm not harming anybody, I should be able to exercise my own volition and trust my own opinions rather than hear about precedents and my friends' opinions. Basically, when it comes to big/difficult decisions, I have to do what I want and what my instincts tell me to do.

x. Until you’re truly in a situation for yourself, there’s no telling what you might do. Even if you know yourself extremely well and you can say “I would do X” in a given Y situation, you might surprise yourself. I know I have. It’s completely different when you’re in the situation for yourself. And knowing this, you are not in a place to judge other people for their choices. Everybody has different priorities, different beliefs, different schemas.

x. Fuck drake for forever taining this, but you really do only live once. I really may never get a "next time," and even if I do, it's not the same as right here, right now, with these people in this place at my age in my current physical/mental state of mind. I should go for those pole-dance lessons at the gym. Buy that piloting lesson on livingsocial and learn to fly a helicopter. Kiss that boy. Kiss that girl, even. Tell him I think he's cute. Try that speed-dating event with my best friend. Go skinny-dipping in the neighborhood pool (check). I can't be afraid of embarrassing myself--at least I'm doing it, and that is more than I could say for myself if I had abstained out of fear. Some people may take this "You only live once" mantra as a cautionary slogan, i.e. that you only get one life so you can't fuck it up. I say fuck up as many times as you need to.

x. When I get stressed out, I immediately feel the urge to poop. An odd defense mechanism. The nervous shits, I call them.

x. People doing good things does not mean they are good people; People doing bad things does not mean they are bad people. You may be good at one role but terrible at another. Somebody could be a great boyfriend, but a terrible son. Somebody can be a detestable socialite, but a wonderful mother.

x. Just because I can doesn't mean I should. It's never been a question; if I can do something, I should do it. This is mostly in pertinence to doing favors for people. But after 23+ years of attending to people all the time, it's exhausted me. I'm tired. Can you be there for me as much as I've been there for you? Can you apologize to me for once, instead of me having to act like it was all my fault? Can you ask me about my day as often as I ask about yours? Yes, I can give more than I take... but that doesn't mean I should.

x. It is not my responsibility nor obligation to look after people. I mean this in the sense of feeling like I have to attend to everybody's well-being in my life. It's not my fault if YOU fuck up your life. If you try to blame me somehow for either "not being there" or otherwise not being accommodating enough, I will tell you to go fuck yourself, because I have my own life, too. A rather busy one, at that. I like being a dependable person, very much. But do not depend directly on me for happiness, because I'm not perfect and am bound to fuck my once in a while myself. Do not burden me with the responsibility of having to look after you. I will be here for you, I will try my best to cheer you up when you are down, but should there come a time when you lash out in resentment against me for not babying or coddling you, then you have some growing up to do. I am all too willing to support my friends, and I try to be there at all times for my friends. But sometimes I don't know how to be there--do you want me to listen? Do you want me to coax and ask you to talk to me and break down your walls without you asking me to do so? Do you want me to just be here at your disposal? Do you want me to actually give you advice? It's unsettling (and infuriating) when I'm censured for not being there in a way you never even told me to be there for you. I almost always have my phone on me, I almost always pick up phone calls no matter what time of day/night it is, I almost always am willing to drive 400+ miles to comfort a friend... but I can't all the time. Is it my fault for creating some illusion that I will always be there? Perhaps. So this is a caveat, then: I won't always be there. Learn to be there for yourself. Interdependence is great; it makes for lasting friendships and solidifies cohesion between people... Relying solely on yourself is also unhealthy, so I'm not saying you should do strictly that, either...but please, please, please do not admonish me for being lost sometimes.

x. In accordance with the previous point, I learned that it's okay to be selfish. Unless I'm actively hurting somebody by being selfish, I think it's healthy to put myself before others sometimes. I hardly ever have breaks for myself, and it became very apparent at the middle to end of 2013; I started burning out. I needed time alone in isolation, but I've never done that before in my entire life, apart from sophomore year of college, and that's only because I actually needed to; my life pretty much depended on it. Silly worries plagued me; what if somebody needs me? What if I miss something in someone's life and I'm dropped from it altogether? What if they think I'm undependable? But it's like I said before--sometimes, I have to say no and set boundaries; I'm only human. Sorry that I'm "your last option" and that "there's nobody else that can do this" for you, but I do not want nor have to do as you request. Do not take me for granted, and do not walk all over me; you will miss me when I'm gone.

x. I'm fairly sure that Karma exists. Of course, this could all be up to interpretation, and it's coincidence--bad things and good things happen to people in and out of turn, after all. But this last Christmas, I learned some rather amusing information about my two most recent exes--both of whom screwed me over pretty hard earlier in the year--and I can't say I'm not a bit delighted, if childishly so.

x. I have to forgive myself in addition to forgiving those who hurt me. If I don't forgive them, I give them power over me--power over my well-being, my thoughts, my energy, my positivity. I expect minimal mistakes and borderline perfection from myself in many things, and to fall victim to being hurt or used makes me feel very inadequate. But again, I can't control everything...

x. Number one lesson: It's okay to fuck up. In fact, it is encouraged. The remorse and guilt and other self-deprecating feelings are what truly ingrain the conviction of the schemas of life that you want to live by; mistakes are just lessons learned. It's like Lily in HIMYM says: "There are certain things in life where you know it's a mistake but you don't really know it's a mistake because the only way to really know it is a mistake is to make that mistake and look back and say, 'Yup, that was a mistake.' So really, the bigger mistake would be to not make the mistake because then you'll go your whole life not really knowing if something is a mistake or not." I'm fairly sure this is a lesson I will keep learning; I have to learn to forgive myself...

The first month of 2014 is coming to a close already.